Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Tale of Holiday Woe

I have a story of holiday woe for you today, but first I want to remind you that there are only 4 spots left in the Sock of the Month Club (3 and 6 month options available) and only 5 spots left in the Batt, Bump and Braid Fiber club. Club enrollment ends when the spots sell out or when 2011 begins, which ever happens first.

I need to start my tale of holiday woe with a story to demonstrate that my own dumbassery has a long history.

When I was very young my mom had arranged for Mr., um, Tucker maybe? I'm going with Mr. Tucker, to take me home from Vacation Bible School. The Sunday before VBS she asked if I could recognize Mr. Tucker. I said yes. Yes, of course I can recognize Mr. Tucker. Mr. Tucker wore a green suit everyday. Green suit = Mr. Tucker.

The next day, Monday, I couldn't find anyone in a green suit and I completely lost it when someone wearing jeans and a flannel claiming to be Mr. Tucker asked me to get met to get in his car so he could take me home. I don't remember exactly what happened but I think I started screaming about stranger danger and how Mr. Tucker wears green suits and how this yahoo wasn't wearing a green suit and therefore wasn't Mr. Tucker and eventually my mom showed up and Mr. Tucker asked me the next Sunday if I recognized him now and I said yes because it was Sunday and he had a green suit on. The End.

Now on to the real story...

My UPS guy works hard. My studio is set back from the road and on the third floor without an elevator, so he has to both walk and climb to bring me my packages. I tend to do all my ordering at once for the business, so every few months he will visit me 4-6 times each time carrying heavy and awkward shaped boxes. Plus I do a lot of internet ordering of supplies and I do a lot of trades so I get an average of 1 package every 2 weeks.

My regular UPS guy has a second guy helping him on his route this holiday season. I am knitting my regular guy mitts, but his substitute told me he would probably be handling my half of the route for the rest of the season. The only UPS guys I should be seeing is Regular and Sub. Substitute told me this while he was standing at my door, in the dark (I'm the last delivery of the day), backlit by the porchlight while wearing shorts and no gloves when it was 20F outside. All of this is relevant, especially the backlit and in the dark parts.
I thought about Sub as I was knitting on Regular's mitts and thought Sub deserved some mitts, too, since unbeknownst to him I knew I was going to see him every day for a solid 2 weeks and at least 4 of those deliveries would be 40lb boxes.
On Day 1 I didn't give the mitts to him on the first day because he seemed somber and out of sorts. At least he was wearing long pants. I thought maybe he wasn't the same guy at first but then I hearkened back to the part where he said that only he and Regular would be the only ones making deliveries.  Yeah, I said hearkened. I figured he was just having a bad day.

On Day 2 I asked if his hands were cold. He looked kind of startled that I even talked to him. Hmmm, maybe this isn't the same guy? I wasn't entirely sure so I asked "you said you're on this route with Regular until January, right"? Yes ma'am he replied. Ma'am? Kind of formal. He had smacked my back and called me "girl friend" during his original visit. Weird. "You're the same guy who came last week, right?" Yes ma'am. Ok, whatever, maybe he had gotten in trouble for being too informal? Or maybe he was mad that he had to keep coming up here?

By Day 3 Sub had found gloves to go with his long pants. He delivered 2 very heavy packages that day. I gave him the gloves and he just looked bewildered but said thanks and put them in his pocket.

On Day 4 Sub came during the day time (no backlighting) wearing shorts and no gloves. Sub is kinda cute. Huh, I didn't notice how cute he was on Days 1-3. He actually looked kind of, um, grumbly and gruff on Days 1-3. He smacked my arm with his frigid hands and called me girlfriend. "Hey girlfriend! Long time, no see!" Oh. Crap! "Uh, Sub? Is this only the second time you've delivered to me this week?" Why yes, yes it is. "Did you have a sub yourself, Sub?" Yep. He did. UPS has fill-in guys for each route. Turns out that Sub had had a sub that had been in the area last week and that I had given Sub's sub Sub's mitts. Fuuuuuuuuuddddddgggggeee! And the were nice mitts, too!


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